An Eye for an Eye, a Bitch-Slap for Idiocy

Luckily that Darwin guy was onto something and, through survival of the fittest, stupid people are a dying breed in the future. However, now that I'm stuck in the past, I suddenly feel surrounded by them. Especially stupid biggots.

A patron who frequents the club I sing at happens to be a lesbian. She and her girlfriend desperately want to be married--however, that is illegal in the state we live in. I tried to comfort them, assuring them that folks would be more intelligent and kind-hearted in the future. They realized that disallowing same-sex couples the same legal rights as heterosexual couples was a blatant, unconstitutional act of discrimination. I don't know if they believed me or not--which is proof of just how pesimistic the politics of the day have made them. Hey--I mean, if your society told you that marrying the person you love would ruin the sanctity of marriage in a country with a 52% divorce rate, wouldn't you be a little pesimistic?

I swear, the people who oppose same-sex marriage in 2007 are the same people who support capital punishment. Is it just me, or do most of these people reside in the south? Must be the extreme heat or something...making them all homicidal and blood-thirsty and whatnot. Heat so intense it messes with their heads--some of them feel it's logical for cousins to marry...but to have two men tie the knot is just ungodly and disgusting.

There are some things I will just never understand about people.

That is all. See you next time, my pretties.

- Molly Magritte

El Labertino del MUCHO BLOOD Y GORE

Well, children, here's my first movie review--are you ready? Here goes.

Recently I had the opportunity to rent a movie of my choice. The kind, obese, balding man found some extra change between his couch cushions and in his belly button, and had just enough to rent two movies--"Girls Gone Wild" for him, and whatever I wanted for me. Well, I have heard nothing but rave reviews full of praise and worship for Guillermo del Torro's "El Labertino del Fauno" (aka "Pan's Labyrinth".) In fact, it has a rating of 96 on Rotten Tomatoes--if that's not a miracle in and of itself, I don't know what is.

Because the movie takes place during the Spanish civil war, I assumed there would be a little bit of blood and death involved. Boy, was I in for a surprise...

There's a fine line between being a director who artfully weaves the horrors of war throughout a captivating story and a Sadist who throws buckets of blood at the camera. Del Torro not only crosses this line, he leaps over it and, with machine gun in hand, fires at every living creature on the other side.

After del Torro's villian, Capitán Vidal, smashes a man's face in with a broken bottle, I was both disgusted, disturbed, and emotionally scarred. After several bullet-filled bodies fell to the ground, I was upset and sorry to see them go. After several of Ofelia's fairy friends get their heads bitten off, computer-animated guts spilling everywhere, I wondered if it was entirely necessary. When Mercedes rips open the Captain's mouth and starts stabbing him repeatedly with a kitchen knife, I was...almost indifferent. Seriously. If the happiest moment of your film is when one character sticks a knife into another...you may want to consider ammending the script...

Save for the excessive violence, the movie might have been good--except for the fact that I felt I had seen it a million times before. Every element of the story seemed to steal from another story which previously existed. When Ofelia and the faun first meet, it struck me as a macabre distortion of Lucy and Tumnus meeting in "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe". When Ofelia is left as, essentially, an orphan with an evil step-parent, it seemed to mimick "Cinderella". And the whole sub-plot about the protagonist going on an epic quest to complete several tasks...just seems extremely overdone to me.

So, there may have been a real message in this film...fantastical escapism in the face of a harsh and bitter reality, yadda yadda. The death of innocence and birth of hopelessness manifest in the tumultuous, power-hungry society of this earth, yadda yadda yadda. Whatever. I still hated it.

If I wanted this sort of entertainment, I would've just spent the evening at a slaughterhouse.

That's all. See you next time, my pretties.
-Molly Magritte

Obligatory Salutations

Good morning...good day, good afternoon, good evening, good night. Whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever time it may be. My name is Molly Magritte.

I will start by being honest with you all--I am a time traveler. I was sent back 30 years in time so that I could find John Titor and tell him to "shut up already." Unfortunately, as you may have already figured out, something malfunctioned and, as a result, I have been stranded ten years ahead of where I truly should be.

But I'm okay with that. Luckily I was taken in by a kind, obese, balding man. I don't know his name--I never asked. I now live in his basement. I don't really have an occupation (I come from a time where these have been eradicated in North America in favor of living on-camera 24/7 as a part of a never-ending stream of reality TV shows.)

Now I spend my days surfing the internet and my nights at the local club--either singing or doing stand-up. The club owner says I'm not good enough to be paid, and the only reason he allows me to perform there is because we're sleeping together. I don't know his name either--I never asked. But it's alright. I don't need the money. Everything I need the kind, obese, balding man throws down the stairs to me.

Recently, I've decided to try my hand at the art of blogging. I feel the world could benefit from my witty ramblings. The world seems to be getting less and less artful as the years go by--by the year 2027, graffiti tags have become the epitome of expressing oneself artistically. Who needs Monet? Who needs Wilde? Who needs Shakespeare? And, while we're on the subject, who needs iambic pentameter, anyway? So, you see, I have strong feelings about this depressing decrease in art. In fact, give me any topic--I'll have an opinion about it. If you can't form an opinion of your own, feel free to borrow mine. That's what I'm here for. Also, to bitch-slap John Titor...even if that ship sailed a decade ago...

That is all. see you next time, my pretties.
-Molly Magritte

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